January 7th, 2010
In my late teens suicide came to visit me periodically and I was unaware of how my mood shifted at the presence of this dark spirit. I didn’t realize the power of how thinking on death brings it to you. Which is why some years later I found myself on my living room floor at a point of no return. Until God sent an angel, my son, to speak life to me.
I didn’t know that I was embracing the arms of death instead of telling myself there’s another way. No, instead I allowed dark thoughts to be deposited within my spirit, deep into my soul as I meditated on death and not the life I was given. Those thoughts would whisper back to me lies that were straight from the pit of hell with one theme only…just give up and die.
Coming from a home where there was love, I didn’t know what to do or how to deal with these dark places that I experienced. I just knew that it wasn’t right to ponder on such things. I felt as though there was no one I could talk to because surely no one else is thinking like this. To be honest, I couldn’t explain the place that I was in. All I can say is that it was God’s grace from somebody’s prayers that saved me from myself.
Silence is not the answer. If you have a family member, friend, co-worker or even a stranger you’ve encountered and you thought for a moment that they could possibly be having thoughts of suicide…PLEASE SAY A WORD OF HOPE TO THEM. Pray for them, smile and a simple, “This too shall pass” can hold a power that can destroy the pull of death. My plea to you is: Don’t just walk away and do nothing. Your very action could be the beginning of a new life for someone to embrace.
If it’s you who have thought about escaping your life because of the feelings of depression, YOUR BEST IS YET TO COME. See a glimpse of hope, change your mind and think on the good things, not the bad that you are experiencing. Face your trouble, look at it and don’t run from it. Your issue(s) are not lasting. Do what I did…I knelt before a holy God who put all the pieces back together and my life now has no emptiness. God has filled those places. You can do it, You will make it…YOU WILL LIVE.
Posted in Suicide | 4 Comments »
January 7th, 2010
If you’ve been following me for a little while you see my signature on emails and newletters, Be TruU always! This is a place that I want to remain in because I had to fight to get here. I had to push past death and choose life. I had to learn to live with me, the Tru me. I had to become comfortable with Sonya, with the person I was created to be. It was a process because the person I had become was a total lie.
What do I mean when I say that I was living a lie?
I was walking around saying I was okay and I really wasn’t. I told family and friends that everything was great and I was going through emotional turmoil. I said, “I’m alright” and “It’s all good” so much that I believed it. Do you see where I am going with this? The truth of the matter is simply this: I pushed everything down on the inside denying myself the priviledge of being me. Learning this behavior at an early age is what made this a stronghold in my life. It was a process to become free.
In this place that I call TruU I can feel, respond and move on. If an action is required to deal with the issue, circumstance or person-I take care of it. No longer do I surpress feelings pretending that all is well or the better conclusion would be: I stopped lying to myself and others.
Today I share. I call things what they are, which can be uncut or raw sometimes. I have found that some really don’t know how to deal with this. Which, of course, has gotten me into trouble because I’ve gone from 0-10. Zero = Saying absolutely nothing to Ten = Totally free. But with that freedom there comes responsibility to have the right timing. That’s a whole other issue that I repent daily for…sort of like, “Maybe, I shouldn’t of said that.” But God is helping me with that as I continue this path of being true to who I am in Christ. I’m not a holy roller who doesn’t know who’s in charge. God is. I’m a work in progress, far from perfection but closer then I’ve ever been to being the true Sonya.
Posted in Keeping it Real | No Comments »
November 16th, 2009
As a single mother of three, my kids are always saying that something is itching on them. Sometimes it’s their hair, legs, or their feet depending on the day, they are always complaining about some particular itch. Don’t get me wrong, I itch as well sometimes. But right now I want to talk about that itch that us as single Saved and living holy Christian women seem to not want to talk about.
We feel as though we can’t keep it real. See this is when we put on the masks – as if everything is okay. “Oh no, I am not tempted”. “I do not desire that.” Or “I don’t crave that man!” But on the inside… every part of you is saying “My God, look at him!” Look at his shoulders and those muscles. Man, he is fine…and then the itch begins. You get the itch in the midnight hour. I’m not talking about a regular itch, but the itch of the flesh. You know what I am talking about ladies, that itch that calls you. The itch that causes you to crave the touch of his hand – the hand that can give you the satisfaction that you desire.
It’s funny because I can hear my pastor saying “Come on ladies, let’s keep it real”. I’m talking about the itch that wants to be soothed physically by that man that you saw the other day, or by your ex. You know the itch that we can’t have physically soothed because we’re saved, sanctified and not married.
So what does a Christian single woman do who is trying to live holy? From the words of Alana Riley I can only tell you what I have done and still striving to do. It was really hard coming from being married for almost ten years and divorced for one and a half. I had the itch all the time. Some days were harder then the others. One day I became vulnerable. I was not in the place where I was supposed to be. I wasn’t praying like I should have been. I wasn’t in constant communion with God. I hadn’t trust God completely for myself. I am not going to lie to you. Yes, I gave over to my itch.
Every time it would happen another piece of me was taken. That’s how bad I felt afterwards, I felt worthless like a piece of meat because in his eyes that’s all I was. I had to make up in my mind that I wanted God more then my itch. He became my number one priority. That took me to the place of reaching and getting into my word, communicating with God daily. I didn’t allow myself to get into situations that would help me to fall. I cut off all past relationships that would not benefit me. I repented to God and I did not look back at the mistake I allowed that itch to get me into. I even changed my numbers. Sometimes it takes drastic measures! Come on now…
I meditate on Psalms 119:16 daily… thy word have I hid in my heart that I might not sin against thee. When my mind gets to wandering on the itch I say 2 Corinthians 10:4-5 – For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds. Casting down imaginations and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Jesus Christ. Once you get to that place in God in a relationship. It gets easier. I’m not saying the itch will never come back. But when it does, you can stand on his word and the relationship you have with your father. That alone will make you not want to sin against Him.
Until next time…
Captured In Him
Alana
Posted in Alana's Mirror, TruU Jewel - For Singles | 5 Comments »
